The Green-Eyed Goddess
Tapping the Power of Envy in My Creative Life
Hello, Protagonists,
Welcome back to Letters from the Creative Life. These occasional essays explore the quieter corners of living: small reflections on art, ambition, and the tender balancing act of building a meaningful life in a noisy world. Think of them as letters from our lives to yours. Enjoy!
💕 Joanna
The Green Eyed Goddess
Tapping the Power of Envy in My Creative Life
Envy has claws. She slinks around, and seemingly out of nowhere, she pounces. While visiting with a friend, scrolling the internet, or even walking through a crowd of strangers, I see something, I want it, and suddenly it hurts not to have it. The feeling is tight and sharp, and then, sometimes, it makes my own claws come out.
Cutting thoughts that diminish the person who has the thing I want or disparage the thing itself slice through me.
Look at her with all that time to create, she’s so selfish.
Look at him trying to create a brand on instagram, how cringe.
Look at their creative friendship, I bet it’s all fake.
Next would come the shame. What kind of person thinks such things when another finds success or lives their best life?! I’d chastise myself, “Bad Joanna,” and quickly push the ugly thoughts and feelings away.
Until one day, I didn’t. I gathered up my courage and curiosity and faced my envy. Within this ferocious cascade, I found two precious gifts. The first is often obvious, and the second is always surprising.
The First Gift
At the root of it, envy is about desire, and desire has been one of the most powerful forces in my life.
However, coming to know and allow my deepest desires hasn’t been easy. Growing up, I never got the message that my intrinsic wants were something to pay attention to, explore, and celebrate. I learned to look outward before I looked inward. And the world around me was happy to tell me what I should and should not want. Learning to hear my inner voice over the noise was difficult, but I found help in an unexpected place—envy.
Envy is a powerful spotlight on my wanting. And chances are, if that spotlight is green, then I might not have access to that desire, the desire might not be comfortable for me to own, or I might not understand what my desire is truly all about.
The Want Under the Want
After feeling envy, my first step is to understand what it is that I really want. It can seem like the object of my desire is straightforward. I want that book deal. But when I ask myself, “What’s the want under that want?,” I often find something deeper.
For example, I want that book deal so that my work can reach readers. I want that book deal so that I can feel like a legitimate writer. I want that book deal so others will respect and celebrate me.
Once I understand what is more deeply important to me, I’m able to entertain more ways to meet my needs. The solution space expands. Is traditional publishing the only way to be legitimate, respected, celebrated, and read by the world? Sharing my work on Wattpad or Substack would lead me to feel celebrated and enjoyed by others. Submitting short stories to contests might help me feel respected. Or even more amazing--I could come to believe that I don’t need anyone other than myself to make me a legitimate artist.
When I was a young mother, I envied my friends without children. I didn’t want to be childless, so I had to keep going—what did I really want? I paid attention. I lusted after their wide-open weekends, their carefree travel plans, and their ability to prioritize their own needs. I wanted to reclaim some individuality, freedom, and creative time for myself. Unlike childlessness, these things were within my reach. I could formulate a real plan—an independent writing retreat and more regular childcare to restart work on my novel. But, there was another catch…
Understanding my desires is the first gift of envy, but sometimes this isn’t enough because sometimes, I won’t allow myself to want what I want. And envy helps with this, too.
The Second Gift
Here’s where those nasty judgments come in.
It’s a lot easier to focus on the object of desire and push away those cruel thoughts or cutting resentments that can accompany it, but then you would be only getting half the answer. As ugly as they are, the judgments I have about others often show me why I won’t let myself have what I want. The judgement is often the quality I am scared of, disallow in myself, or make wrong. And exactly what I need to permit in myself to align with my desired life.
Let’s go back to the list at the beginning.
Look at her with all that time to create, she’s so selfish.
Look at him trying to create a brand on instagram, how cringe.
Look at their creative friendship, I bet it’s all fake.
In judging someone else as selfish for dedicating time to their art, the belief that needs to be challenged within me is: Creating art is selfish. If I view creating as indulgent yet want desperately to create, I’m stuck in a finger trap. In challenging my judgments that I project on someone else, I can find my own freedom. How is spending time creating incredibly generous and essential to all?
If I judge experimenting on social media as cringe, but desperately want to have a public voice, I’m stuck; and cringe is the key to my freedom. Cringe is not a problem for someone else, but in my own mind. I need to face my own fear of social embarrassment to get what I really want—a vibrant platform to share my ideas with an audience.
As for those creative friendships, by betting they’re fake, I save myself some pain from missing out, but I prevent myself from seeing that real, creative connections are possible, but only if I lean in with openness and curiosity. What can I do to genuinely reach out and get what I deeply desire?
Instead of thinking “Bad Joanna,” I use the critical thoughts that sometimes accompany my envy as a spotlight to understand my blocks. The critic in my mind that takes someone else down is the same one that’s keeping me from climbing up. It can be hard to see what we don’t allow ourselves, but seeing what we criticize others for is a sure-fire way to find our own limiting beliefs.
Going back to me as a young mother, I saw that I wanted time to myself, but I wouldn’t allow it. Prioritizing my art was selfish. Paying for time to create was indulgent. And challenging those judgments was the key to my freedom. I had to see how those beliefs were not only causing me harm, but were also untrue. And it wasn’t until I did this work that I allowed myself to write again.
Envy led me back to myself. First, by showing me what I wanted, and second, by showing me why I wouldn’t let myself have it.
Here, Kitty Kitty.
Every time I feel envy now, I get excited. I get to see something I want, but may not allow myself to have, and the beliefs I need to reexamine to feel more alive.
Envy gets me in trouble when I direct my discomfort outward. When I put down the object of my envy or pull away from the person, it creates more suffering and, ironically, moves me even further away from my desire. The important thing I need to remember is that when envy shows up, it has a lot to do with me and very little to do with the other person. It’s not comfortable, but I have to go inside myself to reach the wisdom.
So next time you feel envy, welcome her. Make psst pssst psst sounds. Look inside to understand what you really want, and look even deeper to understand why you might not let yourself have it. Let me know how it goes.
Share your creative desires with us.
What do you yearn for in your creative life? 🤩
What has envy taught you about yourself? 🪩
What’s your favorite shade of green? 💚
Thanks for being so open and honest about this difficult and complicated feeling. I appreciate it.
Perfect analogy!